Why you fight with your partner... and how to stop it (2023)

Why you fight with your partner... and how to stop

"I love you, so why do we fight so much?"This dilemma is one most couples face, causing them to question everything from their reality to their relationship to the rationality of love itself. After all, isn't a certain amount of arguing normal? 1recent researchfound that couples argue on average about seven times a day. However, just because fighting is common doesn't mean it's inevitable. Having repeated hostile interactions with the person we supposedly love creates anguish and emotional distress for both partners. There is much we can learn that explains why we fall into an unnecessary cycle of struggle and that will help us break this destructive cycle.

We can start by having a little self-pity. Many of us are more open and vulnerable with our partner than almost anyone else, so it makes sense that we would be more reactive with her and more affected by her responses. However,Thanwhat we react to is often deeper than what happens on the surface. We all have shocking experiences and unique attachment histories that shape our behavior as well as our expectations of how relationships work. Because of this, we don't exactly come to our adult relationships from scratch. In fact, studies have shown that when we are teased by a romantic partner, the same neurochemicals are released as when we were kids and our parents teased us. We rarely realize it, but often we react to our partner based on emotions triggered in our past.

Much of our anger comes from our past.

As children, we form defenses and adaptations to cope with our environment. The problem is that we carry these patterns with us into situations and relationships where they no longer serve us. Closing off and being alone may have been a good way to survive in our family, but it can cause problems when we are trying to communicate openly with our partner. Being stubborn and standing up for ourselves may have been a necessary defense against an angry or punishing parent, but this response may be inappropriate for a partner who is simply offering feedback.

We all have a “critical inner voice” formed from negative attitudes and interactions in our development. This "voice" is like a cruel inner coach that interprets the world around us and can become much stronger when we are emotionally aroused. He is also particularly active when it comes to our closest relationships. It can exacerbate and exaggerate situations, which intensifies our responses and leads to more conflict. For example, a small comment from our partner can translate into a harsh criticism when heard through our inner critic (i.e., "That's the second time you reminded me of our plans on Friday night. Do you think I'm an idiot? ?"). A small action can be seen as a grand gesture (ie, "He didn't invite me to that work party. He's embarrassed for me").

Take action to end your fights.

It is possible to stop the pattern of fighting that many couples fall into. The actions below will help you and your partner bond in a respectful, sensitive, and compassionate way, while also addressing the difficult issues that will inevitably arise between you.

Concentrate-be not positive:As human beings, we are designed to look for danger. As a result, when we experience breakups in our first relationships, we are on high alert for other negative behaviors. Our critical inner voice keeps us alert, warning us that our partner is going to hurt or disappoint us again.

We can combat our negative expectations and fears about intimacy by shifting our focus from what our partner does wrong to what they do right. We can accomplish this by noticing what we are grateful for in our partner and then expressing our gratitude to them. It may seem hard to let things slide, but you can ignore the “voices” that are pointing out “but he said this” and “but she did that”. Reject the negative view of your partner that presents your critical inner voice.

Relate to your partner in the present:Since our closest relationships trigger emotions from our past, we are very likely to project these emotions onto our partner. For example, we can easily feel criticized or controlled because that's how we were related to when we were children. A small comment can make us feel attacked, because it appeals to old attacks on ourselves, so we respond in a much more defensive or combative way than we would otherwise.

When we recognize this dynamic, we can challenge the distortions of our past and connect with our partner in our lives today. We may know familiar images from our history or ways in which we have been seen. We can question the “voices” that keep warning us (ie, “Look, this is what happens every time you get close!”, “You were always nasty”). We can be open to the idea that we may not be seeing our partner accurately and approach them with curiosity and renewed interest. We can try to see things from our partner's point of view and understand how they feel.

One woman gave the example that when her husband offered to babysit so she could exercise, she was told, “You don't look well. Youwe mustexercise.” She mockingly responded by saying, “Oh, is that a clue?” In turn, her husband heard his own critical inner voice say, “See? You can't even do a good thing without your throat popping out." "She's so self-absorbed." Before they knew it, they were arguing over what could have been a simple and pleasant interaction.

When they talked about it later, the woman acknowledged how overly sensitive she was to any comments about her body, as she grew up being criticized for her appearance. Her husband was particularly sensitive to being misunderstood because of his own history of having a mother who often felt easily criticized. In this case, understanding her unique stories helped both partners separate them from their real-time experience. This led them to a deeper understanding that went beyond their little interaction.

Pause instead of react:As I mentioned, our interpretation of our interaction with our partner is often based on old attitudes or feelings, but before we can question or understand the intensity of our reaction, we are running and fighting. Couples can resolve conflict if they can take the time to examine what is really going on. Often couples react with instinctive emotions that trigger the other person. If we can pause and reflect, we can avoid much of the nastiness that comes out of a fight. Instead of being reactive, we can be curious. What triggered us? Is our anger similar to the anger we felt when we were children? What are the “voices” that are training us and fueling our anger? Why is our partner reacting the way he does? What is going on with them?

Invite open and honest communication:We can make an effort to keep the channels of communication open, resisting the knee-jerk reaction to defend ourselves when we feel attacked. We can intimidate or silence our partner by becoming defensive when our goal should be to ask for feedback. Our defensive reactions are driven by the "voices" that lead us to misinterpret or misinterpret our partner due to our own embodied ideas and heightened sensitivity (i.e., "He says you're stupid." "She thinks you're a jerk." . loser.")

We can ignore these "voices" and remain helpless and engaged while talking to and listening to our partner. When we are open, we can learn real ways to hurt and affect each other, and we get to know the other person better. This doesn't mean we should always agree with our partner, but being open to and with them invites a level of vulnerability that allows us to feel for each other and grow closer.

Talk about your feelings:When we resist admitting how we feel or asking for what we want, those feelings build up. We can keep quiet about these things, but expect our partner to intuitively know what we need, which leaves us feeling victimized and chronically disappointed. When we confront our partner, it can come from an irrational place that they have a hard time understanding. We can challenge the "voices" that advise us to keep our feelings to ourselves (ie, "Don't bother anyone with what you want." "No one cares how you feel!") Instead of shutting down or exploding, we can seek maintain a constant stream of honest and vulnerable communication about how we feel and what we want. This type of communication often softens our partner and keeps us on the same page.

Both the way we perceive our partner and the way we react to it are often filtered by expectations and experiences from our past. Unfortunately, the more agitated we are on a primary level, the more reactive we tend to be in the moment. That is why, when it comes to fighting with our partner, it is so valuable to understand our triggers and separate what is happening from what is happening within us. When we pause and question our reaction, we can find out what we really think, feel, and want, instead of blindly diving into an argument that could harm our relationship.

By challenging our tendencies toward more fighting and less closeness, we can change the dynamics of our relationship. We can take an honest look at our patterns and understand their roots, which will help us begin to break free of the cycle and stop struggling in our romantic relationship. It can be challenging to change the fundamental defenses that once protected us, but when we value and love our partner, creating a kind and compassionate relationship is worth fighting for.

Hashtag:couple fights,end of fights,intimacy problems,relationship,relationship advice,couple problems,relations

1commentary

Manager June 28, 2020

This was really very helpful and neat. I love that.

(Video) Gravitas: It's the season to fight with your spouse?

Respondedor

See Also

Fears and Phobias (for teens)Black Studies Speaker: Boycotting 'The Woman King' Makes No Sense - DefenderNetwork.comAmbulance: Michael Bay's best movie in decades shouldn't have flopped34 Big and Small Ways to Be a Better Boyfriend from a Dating Coach